I was recently reading my older journals from when I was 14, and something really struck me. I was so positive and so full of optimism and hope for the future. It was almost naive but so beautiful. I would wish for the opportunity to go out into the world and make it my own. Everyday I’d sit by the window in my living room wishing and hoping and waiting for a time when I’d have a modicum of freedom to go out and live, and really live. To go out with friends and date boys and see the world and touch the stars.
I knew what I wanted out of life, even though every step forward was one made in the dark. I wanted a group of positive supportive friends, a boyfriend who was just awesome, to feel beautiful in my own skin, and later on in life a hubby and kids. There was no fear in those hopes. There were no doubts. All I knew was what I wanted out of life, and I went for it. I worked to be friendlier, to be kinder, and to be more outgoing in the hopes that I’d make those friends and attract those boys. I’d work out and eat healthier and read way too much stuff on skin care to feel beautiful in my skin. Did it all work? No. Nothing really turned out exactly how I wanted it to, but I was still ridiculously hopeful, and happy with what I did have. Every year that came along was always a year for new opportunities and new chances to live the life that I wanted to live, and I’d never forget that. I didn’t sit in a corner in fear. I worked with what I had and moved fearlessly in the direction I wanted to be in.
As life has gone on, I lost a lot of that hope and optimism. I walked into college just so uncertain of myself and my place in this world, and a series of setbacks and failures really hit me hard, and allowed for fear and doubt to make my heart their homes. I forgot what I wanted to do in this world, and I stopped thinking about what I wanted out of life and instead became consumed with what other people were doing with theirs. Rather than forging my own path in this world, I tried to mimic the paths of so many on the web. From blogging and social media, to my affinity for wasting time watching other people’s lives rather than living my own. I don’t even like social media, and yet I found myself falling into the game of likes and followers and measured my value and worth on those things. And in the end, I wasn’t happy. I was spending days on end staring at a screen, completely oblivious to the world right out my window that a while ago I was so desperate to see. It was all just superficial for me. A weird game that I tried to play but failed at the moment I began.
My younger self wouldn’t stand for this. If she could talk to me now, in some weird way, she would dare me to live. She would force me to. She’d remind me that what I’ve been craving for with every fiber of my being is finally here, and I shouldn’t waste it away trying to live like other people. I have the opportunity and the ability to go and chase those wild dreams and touch the stars and beyond. I can go on crazy adventures, reach out and make new friends, and move unrelentingly into the world. I can move and dance and sing and laugh and cry and grow, and keep growing. I have the ability to change the world, to help ease burdens and mend hearts broken by life and difficult circumstances.
Life is too short to let fear and doubt run a muck in my heart and mind. Life is meant to be lived, every second of everyday. And what a giant waste of a life if I don’t spend it doing something that matters, something that adds value to people’s lives and the world, and that reflects God’s heart. Sure there are always situations and circumstances that can make living difficult, but I don’t ever want to let those things stop me. They will come, but hope, passion, and optimism (as well as massive amounts of faith), will be my weapons against anything that stands in my way. I was born to do something in this world, incredible, magical things. And I won’t let fear nor doubt stop me from doing so.
Thanks for reading, you beautiful soul you. I’m grateful that you chose to spend your time on this random and super small corner of the web. As always, I hope you get something from whatever I post, and feel free to comment whatever is on your heart.
With love always,