If you wanted to kill yourself today but didn’t, I’m proud of you. If you contemplated it, thinking of all of the ways you could do it, but didn’t, I’m proud of you. I read somewhere that you’re doing a brave thing by staying alive when you didn’t want to be. You’re brave. You’re a conquerer. You’re an overcomer.
I love you enough to plead with you not to commit suicide. I’m telling you that you matter, your story matters, even if I don’t know you. I’m yelling at you that your brave for sticking it out, that I want you to stick it out, because the world will be a darker place without your presence, whether you know it or not. I want you to live. I want you to live long enough to see good finally sweep into your life. I want you to live so that you can meet beautiful amazing people who make you grateful for every breath that moves into your body. I want you to live to see joy and growth and life and abundance. I want you to live to see all of the good the world has to offer. I really do. And every time I hear that someone committed suicide, whether it was a celebrity or some random stranger on a social media site, I cry. It hurts that your hurts were so painful that you ended it all. I hate the idea that people suffer, some unbearably more than others, so the idea that your pain was so strong that the only way to cope was death breaks my heart.
But I’m a hypocrite. Because while I believe all of these things and then some for you, I don’t believe any of it for myself. I’ve been thinking about suicide for a long time now, since I was 13. I would constantly swing from one side of the spectrum to the other, over the moon with life and all of its grandeur despite the difficulties and obstacles, or completely despondent, sad, numb, and empty to the world and all despite the good times.
I’ve been trying to help it, to control it on my own these past few years. I don’t even like to pray about it let alone talk about it with anyone because I feel so deeply that no one would get it. No one would understand. All they see is suicide, and immediately their harsh and completely unfair judgements start rolling. We’ve all seen it. When a celebrity dies because of suicide, people instantly say that they were a coward, that they had people to think about, that they were selfish or dumb or that they could’ve reached out more if they tried.
These people who say these things are the reasons why I am so tight-lipped about my feelings. They’ll try to steam roll my emotions, saying it’ll pass, it’s a phase, or try to label me as crazy or whatever else, when I’m not. Or at least I like to think that I’m not. The point is that feeling suicidal sucks, and people who commit it genuinely feel like it’s their last resort in life. They feel like there’s no other way out, no other way to end the pain, or to end the suffering they feel like they’re inflicting on others. Maybe it’s a little selfish, I don’t argue with that, but in that moment you don’t think about it anymore. All you care about is ending the all consuming pain that’s gripped your being and has been squeezing the life out of you for so long.
And that’s where I was at when I was crying in my car typing all of this a few weeks ago. I was over it. I thought about killing myself that day, ending it all for good. It was worse because I was driving. It was worse because I felt like a failure for the billionth time in my life. It was worse because no matter how hard I tried to not be a burden, I always am in some way, making life more complicated or difficult for other people. I just felt like I kept hurting people. I feel like that’s my full time job. And it sucks. Because as I said before I hate the idea of people hurting or suffering, even if you may “deserve” it.
But I didn’t do it. I didn’t go through with it. And even though I was lambasting myself in my mind for not going through with it, for not ending it once and for all, I’m proud that I didn’t. Not that day, not today. And that’s a win. That’s progress. That’s a big victory. Things are still not easy, and I know there will be more days where those thoughts may enter mind again, but for today, I’m not caving in, as much as I want to.
And for you, for anyone feeling suicidal, it’s a big win for you, too. You are brave and strong and courageous. You inspire me everyday with your bravery, for choosing life despite how you feel. And for all of those who have unfortunately committed suicide, you are engraved in my heart. I hope you know that, wherever you are. Even though I don’t know you’re name or you as a person, though I really wish I had so I couldve stopped you, you are in my heart. You’re engraved there permanently. So my friends, keep going. Don’t let this be the end of your story. Please keep fighting, and please keep winning.
I don’t encourage you to do it alone. Seek help if you need it, go to therapy, talk to someone who is trained and qualified in helping you through this. If you need some encouragement I’ll be right next to you. Email me and we’ll talk. Just win. Please. You are all so inspiring. And I love you all to pieces. I hope you will continue to be the overcomer that you are. There is good ahead. There will be good ahead. Hold on to that, and try to look for the small moments of good in the everyday, no matter how hard it may seem. You’re a conquerer, and life will get better. That’s my hope for all of us.